Yes and no. I do feel sad that I’ve only just embraced my true identity and I know I have so much work to do.
I know that history cannot be rewritten and the facts of my identity will still be the same today as they were in 1975 when I left Vietnam. However, with time, these facts get diluted, in that they may be more difficult to find answers to as the nuns at the orphanage may not be around today or, if they are, their memories of those days will not be as vivid.
It still may not be too late. Yet.
But still, I also realise that I may never find all the answers to my questions as not all the facts were written down or recorded, so a great deal of speculation has to be applied. That’s why the other adoptees are invaluable. With their facts and speculation, I can try make some outline of what I think my story may have been.
So the facts that I once denied myself has now become a strong need, a burning desire to do everything I possibly can to find out about such a tiny portion of my life, the first years of my life, that formed the basis of who I am today.
They say that the first two years of a child’s life are the most fundamental as they form the foundations of their personality, their mental standing, their maturity and their ability to deal with everyday life as an adult. So those first 18 months form 75% of that valuable time I need to uncover. I also believe that the outstanding 25% of that time was absorbed in getting used to a new life with a new family in a new country.
This is so very important.
So, in answer to that question, yes I feel grieved that I haven’t done this before now.
But on the other hand, I also realise that I obviously wasn’t ready to travel this journey before now. Everything happens for a reason: sometimes stars collide, sometimes the planets realign themselves. Even if it if it is too late, this journey will still have been worth it, if only to find out about my own personality rather than the facts of it. I have always been an immature child, I could never cope with mature conversations; the last 10 years is when I’ve done most of my mental growing up and so I feel that this past decade has helped me to prepare for what I’m doing today.
Another aspect of it is that I never knew how to approach it as I wasn’t aware of what tools I needed in order to accomplish this task. Since the art and facilitation of online networking sites, this task has become so much easier, that I can share experiences with others, obtain the right support and comfort from other people. So no, I don’t feel sad that I’ve only just started out as it would have been so much harder and a longer journey.
So, I also feel confused in my mixed emotions.
I’m extremely fortunate for the amount of love and support I have around me; from my family, my friendship circle and my online friends that I can share so much and put my story out there without fear or judgement and get so much back from them. I also feel so blessed for the people who have come forward to help me on my progressive journey to help uncover and record my story.
And to deal with the subject of angels: this covers every one of those people in these passages who have so much love in their hearts, so much time and information to give and their invaluable help and support, without whom, none of this would’ve been conceivable.